Where's your passion?

This past Sunday a friend of a friend visited Faith Church (FaithChurch.me) for the first time. My friend was telling me how this guest was recently saved a couple weeks back. So awesome. We had a chance to catch up after church for a minute and I asked him what he thought about the service.

"Man, it was good. The head pastor, he's pretty passionate huh?"

 He seemed a little surprised. Kind of taken aback. The only thing I could come up with was "Yeah, isn't it refreshing?" I'm not sure exactly what he was thinking, but it got me thinking. About this blog. About Writing. About what it looks like to be a Christian.

All I could think of was when Jesus arrived in Jerusalem where crowds of people were swarming the market places and temple courts shouting "Hosanna in the highest heaven!" But as Jesus arrived at the temple courts the people were buying and selling all kinds of things. Tables were set up where all the money was being taken. Jesus became enraged and overturned tables of money changers and benches of those selling doves. "It is written," he said to them, "My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers." (Matthew 21: 12-13)

I wonder what all of those witnesses and townspeople were thinking? Maybe they were confused? Taken aback? Shocked? I don't know for sure. But there's one thing I'm positive they were thinking, "he's pretty passionate huh." After Jesus dominated the temple he called for the blind and lame and he healed them immediately.  I often wonder why Jesus was so outrageous in this moment. I mean, he heals blind and crippled people...I'm pretty sure he could get these dudes to leave the temple without the dramatics. The only thing I can come up with is that Jesus knew what was on the line. Salvation. Eternity. Heaven vs. Hell.

I don't think Jesus was angry in this moment. I think he was passionate. Jesus came into Jerusalem and overturned tables and healed the blind and crippled in the wreckage without an ounce of regard for the pharisees and sadducees looking on. He was passionate about joy and hope and healing. He was passionate about doing whatever it took for people to understand what's hanging in the balance.

Our head pastor was created to preach. And he's doing it passionately. He doesn't hold back. He says what needs to be said. It doesn't always tweet well and it's often more challenging than people are up for on a Sunday morning. I look around and see people with these blank stares on their faces because they've never seen someone bring the word with such urgency. Sometimes I wonder if our pastor ever steps off the platform on a Sunday and is self conscious about how passionate he was. Like maybe just bring it down a notch broski. Maybe there's a message that won't be soooo, uhhh intense. Can't you just get on stage and pet a lamb or something. But then I remember he doesn't care. He has no regard for the pharisees and sadducees of today. He comes busting into Jerusalem and rips the tables over. He knows what's on the line.

I was created to write and I want to write like he preaches and like Jesus preached before him. More than I want to publish a book or post a blog on a popular website. I want to write without regard for anything but proclaiming Jesus. This is one place I do a lot of table turning. I may seem overly zealous and much too intense for your mid day Facebook scroll.  But with every passing day it becomes more clear what's on the line, so forgive me not.

You're no different. You were created for something incredible. Probably a lot of things.What are they? Really, stop and acknowledge what makes you come alive more than anything else. Now go turn some tables over. The world needs much more passion.

friday night lights

I love when a blog is inspired from unexpected things and places. As a writer I always think in terms of this blog. I can't help it. I perceive things a little differently. I observe. I listen. And then so often out of nowhere I'm stirred, and it's time to write.

 I started watching the tv series Friday Night Lights on Netflix (praise the Lord for Netflix) and I haven't been able to stop. I could write so many blogs about this freakin show, but my favorite part about the show is that it's realistic about how hard life is. And it's true, life is just hard. Sometimes it seems hard to simply wake up in the morning. We're faced with heartbreak, sickness, death, disappointment, rejection, abandonment, and who knows how many other things. Everyone faces them. There are no free passes. I think that's why myself, and so many other people relate to Friday Night Lights. I'll be honest, I related to certain aspects of the show so much that it made it really easy for me to feel sorry for myself about things I've gone through in my life. I don't do that often, but sometimes you get to the "when am I going to catch a break" or "when is _________ going to happen" point. The whole "why is this so hard" question.

But I found out it's not just me and you and Tim Riggins who ask these questions. It's Jeremiah, too.

Jeremiah was a prophet, and in Jeremiah 12 we find him crying out and pleading with the Lord, asking why his enemies are thriving when he had been obedient, only to find himself and his family suffering hardship after hardship. See, it's not just me and you who fall on the floor and cry out, "WHY?" "WHY is this so hard?" It's Jeremiah, too. One of the greatest prophets in the bible. He's struggling with his family too. He's struggling with his wife too. Life isn't easy. He doesn't see God's plan come to fruition immediately.

That's all great and comforting and everything. I can relate to Jeremiah. Congratulations me. But God's response to Jeremiah wrecks my perspective. It humbles me. It puts me in awe of God's bigness, and my smallness. God hears Jeremiah cry out about these sufferings in his personal life and responds...

"If you have raced with men on foot, and they have wearied you, how will you compete with horses?" -Jeremiah 12:5

It's right there. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. It's written down. It's been in there for thousands of years, and God is still answering you and me the same way he answered Jeremiah. I know son. I know daughter. It's hard. I'm sorry, and I'm here and I'm preparing you and I'll pull you through. But then God doesn't miss a beat and grabs us by the shoulders and says IF YOU FOLLOW ME, THERE IS MORE. There's more pain and more suffering and more attacks from the devil coming. They're coming and on a scale you've never seen, because you're called. YOU ARE CALLED. You have a purpose and a gift that nobody else can fulfill, which you must unapologetically embrace. And for that you will be a target. When you run with the horses you will face opposition that you must be PREPARED for. God doesn't coddle Jeremiah. He basically says, if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Jeremiah went on to be attacked by his own brothers, beaten and put into the stocks by a priest and false prophet, imprisoned by the king, threatened to death, thrown into a cistern by Judah's officials, and opposed by a false prophet.

God's response to Jeremiah's cry called Jeremiah forth, and he had a decision to make. And we have a decision to make. It's either fall back and retreat when you feel the heat. It's easier. You can manage. You can somehow walk with men for the rest of your life and you'll have the same problems we all do and think life is all about you. Or. Or you can go deeper when you feel the heat. You can grab your problems and your dreams and tenaciously run with the horses where you're called even though you know there will be a price to pay. I don't know what it looks like for you. I don't know where you're called or who you're called to go with. But I do know we are never told it will be easy. We are told it will be hard. Harder than anything we've ever done.

I know that the story God is telling is bigger than each of us. I don't mean to say He doesn't care about our lives and our sufferings. I'm saying, do we even care about His plan? Or just ours? What if His plan looks different than ours? What if the path to the dreams He placed inside of you looks more like imprisonment and opposition before His promise to you is fulfilled? The dreams He gives us are not to make you feel good. They're to tell His story. To spread his Kingdom. Sometimes there's great joy in that, and other times, great suffering. God turns both for good.

So as always, this blog is a prayer, a prayer that we'd learn from Jeremiah. That we'd have the courage to say yes to wherever and whoever we're called despite the heat. That we'd turn our eyes on the God of the entire universe. The God who parts seas and shuts lions mouths and turns water to wine. And may we be reminded of God's promise to Jeremiah over and over as we face life and struggle and those who stand in opposition of where God calls us, "attack you they will, but overcome you they cannot." Because our lives and our stories only matter to the extent we embrace the larger story that God is telling. It's not all about us, and until we realize that, we're just going to exhaust ourselves racing with man, when we're called to run with horses.


More to come - J

in between an army and a red sea

Last Sunday at Faith Church we started a new series on leadership. We're looking at the life of Moses, and taking a walk through Exodus. I openly admit, I don't find myself reading in Exodus very often. But during service I ventured further into the book and read about Moses and Aaron and Pharaoh. You know, the infamous line from Moses and Aaron..." Pharaoh, let my people go!"

I'm sure you know this story. The Israelites have been stuck in slavery in Egypt for 430 years! Egypt and Pharaoh are the largest world power at the time. God calls Moses and Aaron to go set His people free. Moses is far from perfect. He murdered and stuttered and got drunk. But none of those things defined Him, God was too big for that. God saw too much of Moses' heart.

So when God says "GO!"....Moses immediately jumps up and races to Egypt like he's taking on hell with a squirt gun. Okay, I'm lying. Moses basically says...."Me? No chance." "There's no way the Egyptians will listen to me. My own people won't even listen to me." Wait...Moses....nobody told you you're not supposed to say that to God, you are MOSES after all. The star of the Old Testament.

Why does knowing this about Moses make me breathe a little bit easier? Maybe because Moses was so freaking human. The God of the universe is audibly speaking to him, and Moses doubts himself and God. Me too Moses. Me too.

"But the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron again and gave them a charge about the people of Israel and about Pharaoh king of Egypt: to bring the people of Israel out of the land of Egypt." Exodus 6:13

A charge. Man this is getting good. Here we go. The team is in the locker room and the coach gathers them up tight and gives a pregame speech for the ages. The chants start and the players sway back and forth and jump up and down and bang on lockers. At least that's how I picture God and Moses and Aaron.

So off they go to Egypt all jones'd up. But God warns them that Pharaoh's heart will be hardened. In other words...this isn't going to be easy and Pharaoh is going to tell you no. Moses and Aaron get to Egypt, find Pharaoh, and proclaim "Pharaoh, let my people go!" - Pharaoh doesn't. And God says he's going to multiply signs and wonders in the land of Egypt. Apparently to convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. In come the infamous plagues...

Water to blood

Frogs cover the land of Egypt

Gnats cover the land of Egypt

Flies cover the land of Egypt

All Egyptian livestock Die

Boils cover Egyptian people and animals

Hail storms pound Egypt

Locusts cover the land of Egypt

Darkness in Egypt for 3 days

Before each plague Moses would say "Pharaoh, let my people go!" And each time Pharaoh responded "no"....the plague would come...and Pharaoh would beg Moses to ask God to remove the plague, and in return Pharaoh claimed he would let the Israelites go. God would remove the plague, and Pharaoh wouldn't let the Israelites go.

Are you exhausted yet? I am.

Finally, there's a tipping point. The Passover. The first born of every Egyptian family is sacrificed, including Pharaoh's. God has Pharaoh's attention now. Pharaoh lets the Israelites go...and they're out of Egypt in a flash.

The Israelites find themselves free. Can you imagine what that must have felt like? They'd been dreaming of that day for a year, or 430. I bet they never thought this day would come. But it's short lived. They're on the banks of the raging Red Sea, and off in the distance they hear Pharaoh's six hundred chariots and hardened heart coming to reclaim his slaves. How could God's faithfulness suddenly disappear? The Israelites cry out "What have you done taking us out of Egypt? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness." Exodus 14:12

Behind them is the greatest army known to man, and in front of them is the Red Sea- two things that the Israelites can't fight against. They're exhausted, broken, hopeless, and seemingly stuck. That's when Moses responds...

"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:13-14

I don't know what's in the deepest part of your heart as you read this. But you've made it this far in the post, and this far in your battle. So if you're exhausted, this is for you. If you were encouraged and jumped and yelled in the locker room, and now the battle has taken its toll, this is for you. If you've waited 1 year or 430 years for your promise, this is for you. If you've been told no, despite many wonders and signs, this is for you. If you've fought, and risked it, and left the comfort of the known for the wilderness, this is for you. This is for you who had your promised land and freedom in your grasp, but you looked up and found yourself between an army and a Red Sea...and you no longer have a will to fight.

This is for all of you. But this is also for me. I don't know how long you've been fighting, but I've been fighting (sometimes valiantly, and sometimes shamefully) for a promise for about 5 years, and I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder if I made the promise up. Maybe it wasn't really God. Maybe all the wonders and signs didn't really happen. It's been a long time, and over the years the promise was attacked, and there has been a lot of hurt because of it. I'm sure this sounds dramatic compared to waiting 430 years. But I don't really care. I'm giving myself permission to embrace the fact that it's not all on my shoulders. It's not all on your shoulders either. It's just not. Maybe now is the time to do nothing but stand firm. Because God sees the Egyptians coming, he sees our battle, and he's fighting for us even when it looks like there's no way out and he completely forgot about us.

Maybe He's about to part the Red Sea, and out of nowhere provide the perfect path.

More to come - J

Settle

My favorite thing to hear people say about my blog is that it's "raw." People tell me a lot of things about this blog. But I get that one most often. Raw. Maybe it's the way I write, my style. Maybe it's the topics I choose. Maybe it's conveying openness in a way that makes people say, "me too." I'm not sure of the exact reason, but it feels true when I hear it. And because of that I don't write to just write. I don't write to make deadlines or pay the bills. I don't write just so people consistently have something to read. Or so I get a certain number of "like's". I don't even write to be insightful or theological. Sometimes I remind myself of this, like now, in front of you all. Blogging for the sake of blogging becomes watered down. And who wants a watered down version of anything.

I can't completely explain it. I may write a blog, or read a blog, and I think "that was really great and insightful and I need to remember those lessons." And then, there are the other blogs. The ones that feel like the Holy Spirit typed them up himself. The words are so alive that they're jumping off the screen and filling you with new life. Line. By. Line. Mark Batterson, author of The Circle Maker, says...

 "The right book in the right hands at the right time can save a marriage, avert a mistake, demand a decision, plant a seed, conceive a dream, solve a problem, and prompt a prayer. That is why I write. And that's why, for me, a book sold is not a book sold; a book sold is a prayer answered. I don't know the name and situation of every reader, but God does, and that's all that matters.”

 

And so, I sat in church yesterday morning and knew it was time to write again. I could feel it inside of me. I say "it", but it was the Holy Spirit. It was like a twilight zone. I kept hearing the same two sentences over and over. And then the same word over and over.

 

"God is for me, he is never against me. Settle this in your heart today." Settle this in your heart. Settle this in your heart. Settle this in your heart.

 

Settle.

 

Settle.

 

Settle.

We all have something we don't understand. Maybe a lot of things. Things that hurt. Things that confuse. Things that don't seem fair. Jesus might have been the only one that knew my heart wasn't settled on Sunday. Why doesn't he just let us hide? Sometimes I just want to hide. But when God says he's for us, he means it. He always runs us down. He doesn't cause us harm, and he doesn't give us everything we want. He see's the big picture, and he goes before us. He turns tragedies and wrong decisions and broken things around and works them all for our good.

  

Every Thursday I get to hang with the Faith Church Young Adults. They're my family. They're really family. It gets messy and we don't always get along, but the common ground is Jesus and that we all adopted each other. A girl in our family lost her husband two years ago. Their son was just a baby at the time. Last Thursday was the 2 year anniversary of her husband's death. A lot of us cried with her. And I prayed over her, the only two things I knew to pray in that moment....that she know this family loves her and is for her, and that her heart would stay soft towards Jesus and she'd know He's for her too. I hadn't heard Sunday's message yet, but that prayer is a little too ironic. There was nothing I could say or do to provide understanding for this girl. But I knew the only way she was going to find joy in the morning was to settle it. God is for her. We are for her.

I don't have all the answers for how we get here. Especially when it doesn't feel like God is for us. Or when it doesn't feel like God knows what he's doing. It doesn't feel settled when we don't understand.

 

"We shouldn't act surprised, when we don't understand what a God who says He passes all understanding is doing with our lives." - Bob Goff

 

Our pastor said some other things I'm sure, but this is all I heard. This and something about an Escalade, maybe. Regardless, God is for us, and if we haven't settled that in our hearts we will never move forward. We'll continue to question his goodness. His holiness. His grace. His plans. His timelines. We'll doubt the future. The next step. We'll question the calling and the vision. There are no buts. No exceptions. This has to be done. So let these words be a prayer over your life. Let them reach out and shake you to your core. It's time to settle this in your heart.

More to come- J

 

 

 

 

Two Thousand Thirteen

2013. Brutiful. That's the only word that comes to mind. It's no secret, 2013 was a tough year for this guy - It was brutal, in every sense of the word. Those moments are found in the archives of this blog. But so are the beautiful moments. The redeeming ones. The unexpected adventures found amidst my reeling heart. And for the first year ever, I've been present for all of it. I didn't disappear. I didn't run from it. I walked straight into my fear, and I came out on the other side.

So I can't hate 2013, I don't have it in me. I won't be stuck in it. I won't regret it. I'm so ready for 2014. But I will remember it. I will hold it close. I will pick its memories up and throw them around when fear seems easier. I'll read the pages of this blog. I'll celebrate 2013, always. Because this was the year that Jesus changed everything.

During 2013, this is what I learned and loved and found true:

• Love always wins, always.
• Jesus runs faster than we do - So we have to stop running.
• Writing is art, and that's weird, because I'm not very artsy.
• "Oceans" by Hillsong United is the greatest worship song ever - I've been listening for 10 months straight.
• Love Does, so if you don't take action, you don't love it or them - Thanks Bob Goff.
• I read the Circle Maker and learned how to pray, really pray, with a different kind of momentum.
• Church planting is hard and messy and full of managing tension, but it's worth it.
• Jesus never gave up on anyone, and he still doesn't - We have to stop giving up on people, they need us.
• Grace doesn't exist in doses - It's all or nothing.
• Becoming an adult is not easy - Why doesn't anybody tell us this?
• Every single person wants to be known and to belong, whether they know it or not.
• The most significant conversations happen at kitchen tables.
• Saturdays are for adventures and mischief and Ultimate Frisbee, not sleeping in or tv.
• When Jesus tells you something, hold fast to it. Even if it doesn't come to pass in your time frame, it will come to pass.
• Love & War by John Eldredge is the greatest book on loving well - If you are, or want to be a husband or wife, you have no choice but to read this.
• Honoring a commitment is always worth it - You'll learn so much.
• Thursday's are for Circle and family and dinner and catchphrase and too many people in a living room.
• Sometimes what Jesus says is different from what everyone in your life says - This is hard.
• God will be faithful to complete in you the work he started - It's wild when you let him take control.
• The devil uses patterns to keep us from all that Jesus has for us. If you find yourself in a pattern, it's time to do something different. It's time to fight it. It's time to feel uncomfortable.
• "They were saved by the blood of the lamb and the WORDS of their testimonies" - Revelation 12:11. In the last book of the bible we're reminded that Jesus and our STORIES save us. It's time to tell your story. Start a blog. Meet with friends. Meet with one person. Someone needs to hear it.
• I wouldn't rather be anywhere than at Faith Church on Sunday mornings.

There are hundreds more, but I hope these few help propel you into the New Year. I hope you think about them with me. What did you learn this year? Have you ever stopped to think about that before you're on to the next one?

I hope tonight you're fully present and engaged and bursting with life. I hope you're with all the people and in the places you want to be. I hope that no matter what 2013 looked like for you, you know that you have a New Year and anything can happen. It's going to be wild people.

More to come - J

Sheep Gate Pool

A few months ago I wrote a blog called "Kitchen Tables." You can click on the link and read all of it, but it was mostly about my church and community and friends, and how they're all in Northwest Oklahoma City. I wrote about one friend in our group who decided that it was time for her to move from Moore to Northwest Oklahoma City. It was time for her to stop dipping her toe in the water and do a belly flop. I hinted around the idea that I might eventually take that plunge also, and I did recently. And Jesus continues to show me why it's worth coming to the table.

When you experience grace, you learn to give grace. It's when you're surrounded by people who continually give you grace through your mess, that you truly learn how to be gracious.That's how it's worked for me at least.

I'm not the most organized person. In fact, it's fair to say I'm the least organized person. I was moving out of an apartment that had seen the hardest and darkest year of my life. Although things had been better for a few months, it was almost as if the darkness hadn't lifted on that apartment. I can't think of one good memory there. Needless to say, it was a disaster when it came time to move a couple weeks ago. My room was a wreck. I hadn't the slightest idea which clothes were clean or dirty. There were plates and glasses and sunflower seeds and crumbled up Wendy's bags. Picture frames were knocked over and DVD's scattered the floor.

It had been fine, because only I had to see that place. I didn't invite anybody over, and I was never home. I just slept there. My friends offered to help when it was time to move, and you'd think with what I just described I'd clean so that they could help me clean. But remember that part about me being unorganized. It was now moving day, and my friends showed up and experienced the disaster. I'm pretty sure they were hesitant at first, "Do we really love him thisssss much?" Everything was such a mess that I wasn't even sure how to ask them for help. They were there, and willing, but I didn't even know what I needed. We all began arbitrarily packing things up. I was more embarrassed than I had been in a long time, and these are people that love me as much as anyone in the world.

 I'm pretty sure I was annoying the crap out of my friend Jacob, because out of my embarrassment I was trying to help everyone that was helping me. I don't even know if that makes sense to you. I wanted their help, but it was so awful I didn't want them to have to do anything. Every time Jacob and Thomas would pick something up to carry to the truck I'd try to intervene and take one of their places.

That's when Jacob said, "Dude, let us be your friends!" - This changed everything. He meant, let us love you. Let us come into your mess and get filthy and tired and pull you out of it. Let us spend two Saturday's moving in the freezing cold. Let us be disgusted and embarrassed with you.

Grace is never given partially. If it is, it isn't grace. My friends didn't load up the truck and drop everything at the front door of my new apartment. Instead, they helped me unpack all of it. They helped me create a new home and a fresh start. They didn't love me half way, they gave me everything they had.

This is what Jesus does for us, right? He comes into our mess when everyone else has given up on us. He gets dirty and messy and embarrassed with us. In John 5: 1-8, Jesus heals a paralytic who had been an invalid for 38 years. Every day he laid on a mat near the sheep gate pool trying to bathe. He never made it into the pool. He couldn't move and people would just pass him by. Jesus finds him there and heals him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

What we miss in this verse is that this paralyzed man was trying to bathe, and had been lying on a mat everyday for a very long time. He couldn't bathe. He couldn't find a restroom. He couldn't change his clothes. He didn't have deodorant. Or soap. Can you even begin to imagine what his mat probably smelled like? What a mess it was? I think my old room was getting close to this. Do you think Jesus stood on the other side of the street and healed him so he wouldn't have to smell him? I doubt it. I bet Jesus was all up in this guys mess. Right there with him. Pulling him out of it. Healing him. And telling him to take his mat, as a reminder of that day.

I think at some point we're all this man on the mat. Whatever mess we find ourselves in, whether we created it or not. We don't know how to get out of it. Maybe we've even given up. Maybe the water is right there at the sheep gate pool, we're so close, and we just can't make it. So we settle for living on the mat.

It's when we're exhausted and broken and so tired of trying to get out of our mess that we stop and listen to Jesus saying, "Dude, let us be your friends!" - This is what grace looks like. This is what love looks like. It's messy and it comes to get dirty and pull us through every single time. So you will make it through the mess. You will experience grace that you don't understand. Friends will love you like you're their family. You will be made whole.

And when we make it through the mess, we've got nothing left to do but cannon ball into the sheep gate pool.

More to come - J

 

as long as it takes

So I guess it has been a few weeks since I've posted a blog. This hasn't been intentional. I wrote two blogs during that time and didn't post either of them. And I'm still not posting them. Not because I don't like them or don't think they're up to par. You'd feel inspired, I'm sure. They might be great, but my heart is elsewhere. That is after all, why I write. For my heart. It's how I work things out. It sets me free, if only for a few paragraphs. A few paragraphs on a free blog site that somehow turned into people texting and Facebooking and calling to ask, where's the next blog? Which is still hard to comprehend. People actually read my blog. This blog, might not be what they were looking for, but maybe you'll find some freedom in it.

The truth is, I don't trust God. At least not very much. Not in every area. Oh, is that too honest? Surely I can't be the only one who is fickle. Haven't you ever felt that way? Like right now you could cast a mountain into the sea or believe for the blind to see and it would happen, but when it comes to_____________, there's no way God could do it, right? I've trusted God over and over in my life. I've trusted him in big things and in little things. I've believed and I've prayed through. I've seen him work in my life over and over again. Divinely. Inexplicably. I trusted him when my mom passed away when I was 15, when I had a terrible relationship with my father, when I didn't know where to go to college or law school, what job to take, if I'd somehow pass the bar, or if I was ever going to find a church in Oklahoma City. All of those were hard and all of them broke my heart. I still trusted him even if it felt hopeless at times.

I keep coming back to Proverbs 3:5-6, you know, the verse that's on everyone's Facebook profile..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he shall set your paths straight." I think we all like the idea of our paths being straight. But I've been missing it. He says, trust in me "with ALL of your heart." All of it. All of it. All.Of.It. All. Not the areas that are easy for you. Not the areas where you see hope. Not the areas where you've already been given favor. It's your whole heart or it's none of it. I've seen God come through so many times, and still I withhold this part of my heart from him. I withhold the part that dreams of a wife. It's what I want the most, and it's what scares me the most. My mind is finite and I don't have the ability to understand why I can place my trust in him in every area but this one. Why I can trust that he will bring my wildest dreams to fruition so I can serve him in the way he's called me. Why I can still love him without my heart hardening and being bitter with him for not healing my mom 16 years ago. So then why, why does my heart struggle to believe that he can and will at the perfect time bring a woman into my life that surpasses anything I could have ever dreamed of in my wildest of dreams, and I'll wake up every day wondering how I can call somebody so incredible, wife.

The weeks of October. My lack of trust. All of my heart. They brought me to Peter. This account of Peter where the storms are raging in the sea and Jesus calls Peter out on the water and Peter steps out of the boat and stands on the water. Seconds later Peter loses his trust and his faith, and when he takes his eyes off Jesus Peter starts to sink, but he doesn't drown because he finds himself in the embrace of Jesus. His Saviour. It's only a few short chapters later where we find Jesus in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, changing Peter's life forever, Matthew 16:13-20 goes like this:

¹³ When Jesus arrived in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “What are people saying about who the Son of Man is?”

¹⁴ They replied, “Some think he is John the Baptizer, some say Elijah, some Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.”

¹⁵ He pressed them, “And how about you? Who do you say I am?”

¹⁶ Simon Peter said, “You’re the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

^17-18 Jesus came back, “God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn’t get that answer out of books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. And now I’m going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out.

¹⁹ “And that’s not all. You will have complete and free access to God’s kingdom, keys to open any and every door: no more barriers between heaven and earth, earth and heaven. A yes on earth is yes in heaven. A no on earth is no in heaven.”

I believe that God wants to take us deeper. That he wants to take us in his embrace when we haven't trusted him with all of our heart, and now it's a few short chapters later. And he's pressing us, about who we say he is, about what his promises are, about the desires he's placed in our hearts to serve him in ridiculous ways. And I only want to say, you're the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God. He's answered, and told me who I am, who I really am. His son, Josiah, a pastor, a speaker, an attorney that leaks Jesus in a courtroom. A dreamer with a vision , a vision so expansive with energy and passion that not even the gates of hell will be able to stand against. And I believe those things with every fiber of my being.

What I'm learning is that I can't be a husband or have a family if he hasn't pressed me, if I haven't proclaimed who he is and listened to who he says I am, who I really am. He's wanted me to have this "come to Jesus moment" more than I ever wanted a wife I'm sure. The thing is, this moment never looks like we think, or fits into our schedules. My moment is going on a year and just recently. Okay, it was last night, my prayer changed...

"I don't want easy answers or quick answers because I have a tendency to mishandle the blessings that come too easily or too quickly. I take the credit or take them for granted. So now I pray that it will take long enough and be hard enough for God to receive all of the glory. Change your prayer approach from as soon as possible to as long as it takes." - Mark Batterson

This isn't the blog where I conclude I don't need a wife. That I'm content with only Jesus because he fulfills my every need. That's dumb. Sure he fulfills all our needs and is our only source for life. I get that. But he also placed the desire in each of us, at our core, to want a wife or a husband for the very reasons he created Eve in the Garden. We need a teammate. So my desire hasn't changed, but I have. Because he asked me who I thought he was and I told him, and for a year now he's been responding and telling me who I am. So that's why my prayer is changing, because maybe right now, this very morning, he's telling my wife who she is...who she really is. Maybe he's been telling her or maybe he's just started. Maybe he's not done telling me. But either way I'm in, for as long as it takes. And I'm praying for her specifically and intentionally, even if that doesn't make me tough or manly, or makes a really good Nicholas Sparks novel. I don't care. I've got massive dreams and things to do and they all involve her. When she's ready. When I'm ready. When God says we're ready. Whoever she is. Because it will be worth it to look at her every single day and think, she's more incredible than I ever imagined.

More to come - J