eighteen days

For the first time in a long time, I haven't known what to write. I haven't been able to find the topic or the story. I've been doing fun things. There have been awesome moments. I have some great stories. But still, I've had nothing to say. It has been eighteen days since I last blogged. Sure, that's not forever. But sometimes it feels like it when you don't know what to write. 

One of my dreams is to be a writer. I'm not really sure what that looks like. I want to write a book. I want to have a blog that thousands of people read and are somehow filled with life. But while that dream exists, I've also come to this realization. Writing is a business. Most prolific writers have contracts and agents. Deadlines and schedules. Suppose you're Donald Miller and writing is your full time job. You have a contract and you've got to write three, or four, or five books in a year - or however long. You probably don't have eighteen days to not know what to say.

There's a fairly new song out by Jimmy Needham, it's called "Clear the Stage." It goes like this:

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols
Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too
Until the congregations few, then have revival
Tell your friends that this is where the party ends
Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social
Then seek the lord & wait for what he has in store
And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful

'cause you can sing all you want to
Yes, you can sing all you want to
You can sing all you want to
And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

Take a break from all the plans that you have made
And sit at home alone and wait for god to whisper
Beg him please to open up his mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister
Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open
Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard
Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

I've had this song on repeat the past two days. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, woah, chill out Jimmy...you're a little intense there. His words are almost offensive...and I get defensive. I think this is sometimes the way truth works. It's the way the gospel works. It offends us by nature. We either clinch our fists and get defensive or we fall to our knees with our palms up.

What I'm realizing after eighteen days is there are times you have to clear the stage. It doesn't matter if you're doing great things or awful things. You can build a church, make best friends, feed the homeless, or run an organization. You can make memories and take awesome trips. Dominate your job. Have the biggest crush on someone. And maybe all of those things are God honoring. But despite all of it, there's an insatiable desire for more. 

Jimmy sings..."Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken." All great things can become a distraction and none of them can take the place of talking to Jesus, of falling on your knees and listening to him speak. 

So last night I did that. I stopped going a million miles an hour with all the great things going on in my life. I did nothing in silence and I listened while I did it. I got rid of the outer distractions, and found the inner distractions that make us always so welcoming of the outer. But there I also found the overwhelming presence of Jesus. The kind that pulls at your heart and reminds you of his bigness and goodness and faithfulness. The kind that makes you cry like an 8th grade girl because you don't know what else to do in his presence.

When you clear the stage, Jesus always meets you there because that's his promise. Despite our likeness of Peter, of David, of Abraham, and Adam and Eve. He's faithful. So I dare you to clear the stage. To go Youtube the song, and listen to what Jesus wants to tell you and nobody else. He desperately wants to talk to you.

"Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure." - Henri J.M. Nouwen

I'm thankful for eighteen days, for silence, and for words with meaning that brings life.

More to come - J

wisdom from a seven year old

Why is it that we aren't typically interested in learning about anything until our feet are to the fire? Maybe this is only me, and if so feel free to stop reading now. But seriously, why do we do it? I know learning about something can't ever really prepare you for the experience of it. Whether it's marriage, a new career, a new semester, a new friend, being a parent, or even just a new day. I think we should continually seek wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.

The first chapter in Proverbs is entitled "The Beginning of Knowledge." Proverbs 1:1-5 has been my go to the past few months. For some reason I can't get past it. Maybe it's because I've never been in this place before.

"The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel: To know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, to receive instruction in wise dealing, in righteousness, justice, and equity; to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth- Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance..."

It reminds me of the people in my life that I can only think to describe as, wise. You know, the select two or three that you would swear are on a different wave length with Jesus. The ones you just have to talk to when you're in a real pickle. And you often wonder, will I ever know or love Jesus as much as they do? I love those people and I hope I grow into one of them someday.

However, recently I've been learning from a seven year old little girl. Here's just a few things shes teaching me.

How to be Fearless.

She goes to my church and I first met her about a month ago when the church took a trip to Six Flags. She's seven and she rode every single roller coaster that day. I love roller coasters so I also rode them all. But I know I wasn't as brave as her. It was near the end of the day and the whole group met back up to ride a couple last rides before we called it a day. The Texas Giant was all that was left, and of course she rode it. She rode it with me and we sat at the very front. I remember slowly creeping to the top and feeling pretty fearful. She was just talking away and looking out into the distance. And then we got to the peak. I gripped the cart for deal life, but she let go and put her arms in the air as we plummeted straight down.

She taught me that letting go and putting your arms in the air is the only way to do it, getting on the ride isn't enough. Taking the job isn't enough. Moving isn't enough. Being in the relationship isn't enough. Showing up isn't enough. Sending a text isn't enough. You can't just put your toes in the water. You're either all in, or you're still holding on to the cart and missing out on a whole lot.

How to Stand Your Ground.

Our church just finished Vacation Bible School this week for all the grade school kids. It was only three nights, but it seemed like a month. It was definitely worth it, though. The first two nights were great and we taught a lot of kids about Jesus. I was able to spend a lot of time with my seven year old friend over these three days. But I remember the last night vividly. At the end of each night we'd have praise and worship. And each night we'd ask if there were anyone who needed to give their hearts to Jesus. The first night a few kids went down to the altar. The second night more kids went down. The last night every single kid went down in a frenzy. As soon as we asked the question there was a stampede to the altar. Except my little friend didn't go. She just stood next to me, and looked up at me and said "woah!"

I smiled and asked her if she wanted to go with the other kids. She said "no." I asked her if she would like me to go with her, and again she confidently said "no thanks." - I don't know for sure what she was thinking, but I had peace about it. It was almost as if she were looking at the other kids like they were crazy, like she wanted to tell them....you asked Jesus into your heart last night and the night before...what the heck are you doing? He loves you, He's not going anywhere.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Or maybe you just weren't there to see the confidence in her face. We already know she's fearless, remember?

How to be a Dad.

I have three nephews I'm incredibly close with. They're probably the most important things to me in the entire world. Unfortunately they live in Kansas City so I don't see them as much as I'd like to. They teach me patience, and a lot of other things that it's probably going to take to be a dad to boys one day. I haven't been around little girls very much. So I'm learning a lot recently from my friend at church. She was a little bit shy at first. After our Six Flags trip she'd come find me on Sundays at church, grin and wave, and disappear. But then one Sunday I went and found her and bent down and asked her how she was and told her how beautiful she looked for church. Ever since then she'll come and find me, throw her arms around me, and I'll tell her how beautiful she looks.

During VBS I was able to spend a lot of time with her. We'd play and laugh and be goofy together. She'd always want me to sit with her. She'd wave to me from across the room. But there was a moment I lost it. Probably the first moment I thought, I can't wait to be a dad someday. On the last night after she had stood her ground, we were going to end the night praying over all the kids and leaders who helped make the week happen. All of the kids gathered around the stage and her friends came and grabbed her arm and drug her off to the other side of the stage like little girls do. I didn't follow, I just stood around the other kids. But as our pastor got ready to pray I looked over and she was leaning back peeking at me around all the other people. And when she saw me look at her she just left her friends and ran back over to me and held my hand as we prayed. I was done for. I had just the slightest glimpse of what it must be like to have a little girl.

I don't have kids. I'm not even married. I don't try to be her dad just like I don't try to be my nephew's dad. They both have great dads. But I do try to learn and catch a glimpse of what it might take. Because I want to be a dad someday. The same way I want to be a husband someday, and I'm trying to find out all that it will take to be a great one.

There she is. I'm thankful for her friendship. I'm thankful that I've been able to learn from her without her even knowing it. I'm thankful that she always reminds me to have faith like a child.

We can't forget to slow down. To open our eyes and see what's around us. What or who can we learn from? And how can we get that knowledge to our hearts?

More to come- J

kitchen tables

I've been going to my church for about 7 months now and I've met some amazing people and friends. The majority of whom live on the northside of OKC, because that's where our church is. There are others who live on the southside of OKC. And I live somewhere in the middle near downtown. When I started going to church there I quickly noticed how all of the northsiders would continually lobby for everyone else to move to the north side. 

I thought it was so annoying. I thought, why the heck does it matter where we live? We come to church. We meet up to hangout. We have plenty of "community". Really, what is 25 minutes of driving time?

That was 2 months in and there was this part of me that used to think everyone was out to get me. That the northsiders could only want us to move there for self serving reasons. It wasn't anything they did, but just my own struggle to trust people and see things for what they are. It's something I'm learning how to do with each new day.

Today, is 7 months though. And last night I helped one of my best friends move some of her things from the south side of OKC, to the north side of OKC. Really, I wasn't much help. She had been moving things all day and I just went by after work to see how it was going. However, one of the things she did need help moving was a table and four chairs. Jacob and his wife Brittany now live in the neighborhood just across the street, so they met up with us and we carried the table up the stairs to her new apartment. It was late and most of us had worked all day and then worked more at the church for a good portion of that night. But despite being exhausted and not having eaten lunch or dinner we freed the table and chairs from their protective plastic coverings with a couple car keys and a grueling effort, because it was her new apartment and first table and four chairs to purchase all on her own.

With the exception of this new table the apartment was still empty. There was nothing on the walls and no other furniture. No pretty pictures and no throw pillows or candles. We put the chairs around the table, but we didn't sit in them. Jacob sat on the floor and Brittany eventually sat down close to him. I love that she wants to be close to him. Mackenzie and I just stood there and took a deep breath. The girls said how "pretty" the table looked. We talked about having dinner at her table. And filling her apartment with people and life. I'm pretty sure we were all exhausted and ready to go home, but we just looked at the table for a little bit. It was in this moment I realized, all of the northsiders wanted us to move closer, because they wanted us to come to the table. 

The table gives life and it pushes us. It's where we talk and listen. It's where we fight and make up. It's where we dream and get focused. Where we eat together and play cards. It's where we cry and forgive. I think about the last supper and the disciples asking Jesus where he wanted to eat the Passover, and Jesus told them about a man in a city, who had a house...with a table. Jesus said to go there, and he would meet them and eat the Passover. Most of us know those verses and the discussions that took place. But I love that the disciples had to find a table, it was time to engage. Jesus didn't lead them onto the water in that moment, or atop a scenic mountain with a star covered sky. He wanted them to come to the table.

I think a lot of times the table gets drowned out by everything else in our houses or apartments, and our lives. We decorate the entire place and surround it with so much stuff. There are so many other things to look at. We pile junk on the table and use it for storage. If we happen to sit at the table we turn the TV on. We complain of being too busy. And if we're being honest, we don't like what the table brings. It causes us to slow down. It causes us to focus on each other. It causes us to talk. The table says, it's time to engage. And it's not the table that's significant, it's the opportunity. The opportunity for community, for relationship, for doing life with people who love you.

So a 25 minute drive may sound insignificant, and we may still hang out with the northsiders all the time. But what I've started to realize is it's better to live at the table than visit it. It's awesome to live across the street from your best friends and go to each others' houses and eat each others' food like it's your home, because it is. In case you're wondering, I still live in midtown, but I think sooner than later I'll be moving to the table.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,

committed citizens can change the world.

Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

More to come- J