as long as it takes

So I guess it has been a few weeks since I've posted a blog. This hasn't been intentional. I wrote two blogs during that time and didn't post either of them. And I'm still not posting them. Not because I don't like them or don't think they're up to par. You'd feel inspired, I'm sure. They might be great, but my heart is elsewhere. That is after all, why I write. For my heart. It's how I work things out. It sets me free, if only for a few paragraphs. A few paragraphs on a free blog site that somehow turned into people texting and Facebooking and calling to ask, where's the next blog? Which is still hard to comprehend. People actually read my blog. This blog, might not be what they were looking for, but maybe you'll find some freedom in it.

The truth is, I don't trust God. At least not very much. Not in every area. Oh, is that too honest? Surely I can't be the only one who is fickle. Haven't you ever felt that way? Like right now you could cast a mountain into the sea or believe for the blind to see and it would happen, but when it comes to_____________, there's no way God could do it, right? I've trusted God over and over in my life. I've trusted him in big things and in little things. I've believed and I've prayed through. I've seen him work in my life over and over again. Divinely. Inexplicably. I trusted him when my mom passed away when I was 15, when I had a terrible relationship with my father, when I didn't know where to go to college or law school, what job to take, if I'd somehow pass the bar, or if I was ever going to find a church in Oklahoma City. All of those were hard and all of them broke my heart. I still trusted him even if it felt hopeless at times.

I keep coming back to Proverbs 3:5-6, you know, the verse that's on everyone's Facebook profile..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he shall set your paths straight." I think we all like the idea of our paths being straight. But I've been missing it. He says, trust in me "with ALL of your heart." All of it. All of it. All.Of.It. All. Not the areas that are easy for you. Not the areas where you see hope. Not the areas where you've already been given favor. It's your whole heart or it's none of it. I've seen God come through so many times, and still I withhold this part of my heart from him. I withhold the part that dreams of a wife. It's what I want the most, and it's what scares me the most. My mind is finite and I don't have the ability to understand why I can place my trust in him in every area but this one. Why I can trust that he will bring my wildest dreams to fruition so I can serve him in the way he's called me. Why I can still love him without my heart hardening and being bitter with him for not healing my mom 16 years ago. So then why, why does my heart struggle to believe that he can and will at the perfect time bring a woman into my life that surpasses anything I could have ever dreamed of in my wildest of dreams, and I'll wake up every day wondering how I can call somebody so incredible, wife.

The weeks of October. My lack of trust. All of my heart. They brought me to Peter. This account of Peter where the storms are raging in the sea and Jesus calls Peter out on the water and Peter steps out of the boat and stands on the water. Seconds later Peter loses his trust and his faith, and when he takes his eyes off Jesus Peter starts to sink, but he doesn't drown because he finds himself in the embrace of Jesus. His Saviour. It's only a few short chapters later where we find Jesus in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, changing Peter's life forever, Matthew 16:13-20 goes like this:

¹³ When Jesus arrived in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “What are people saying about who the Son of Man is?”

¹⁴ They replied, “Some think he is John the Baptizer, some say Elijah, some Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.”

¹⁵ He pressed them, “And how about you? Who do you say I am?”

¹⁶ Simon Peter said, “You’re the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

^17-18 Jesus came back, “God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn’t get that answer out of books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. And now I’m going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out.

¹⁹ “And that’s not all. You will have complete and free access to God’s kingdom, keys to open any and every door: no more barriers between heaven and earth, earth and heaven. A yes on earth is yes in heaven. A no on earth is no in heaven.”

I believe that God wants to take us deeper. That he wants to take us in his embrace when we haven't trusted him with all of our heart, and now it's a few short chapters later. And he's pressing us, about who we say he is, about what his promises are, about the desires he's placed in our hearts to serve him in ridiculous ways. And I only want to say, you're the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God. He's answered, and told me who I am, who I really am. His son, Josiah, a pastor, a speaker, an attorney that leaks Jesus in a courtroom. A dreamer with a vision , a vision so expansive with energy and passion that not even the gates of hell will be able to stand against. And I believe those things with every fiber of my being.

What I'm learning is that I can't be a husband or have a family if he hasn't pressed me, if I haven't proclaimed who he is and listened to who he says I am, who I really am. He's wanted me to have this "come to Jesus moment" more than I ever wanted a wife I'm sure. The thing is, this moment never looks like we think, or fits into our schedules. My moment is going on a year and just recently. Okay, it was last night, my prayer changed...

"I don't want easy answers or quick answers because I have a tendency to mishandle the blessings that come too easily or too quickly. I take the credit or take them for granted. So now I pray that it will take long enough and be hard enough for God to receive all of the glory. Change your prayer approach from as soon as possible to as long as it takes." - Mark Batterson

This isn't the blog where I conclude I don't need a wife. That I'm content with only Jesus because he fulfills my every need. That's dumb. Sure he fulfills all our needs and is our only source for life. I get that. But he also placed the desire in each of us, at our core, to want a wife or a husband for the very reasons he created Eve in the Garden. We need a teammate. So my desire hasn't changed, but I have. Because he asked me who I thought he was and I told him, and for a year now he's been responding and telling me who I am. So that's why my prayer is changing, because maybe right now, this very morning, he's telling my wife who she is...who she really is. Maybe he's been telling her or maybe he's just started. Maybe he's not done telling me. But either way I'm in, for as long as it takes. And I'm praying for her specifically and intentionally, even if that doesn't make me tough or manly, or makes a really good Nicholas Sparks novel. I don't care. I've got massive dreams and things to do and they all involve her. When she's ready. When I'm ready. When God says we're ready. Whoever she is. Because it will be worth it to look at her every single day and think, she's more incredible than I ever imagined.

More to come - J