This Is Why I Write

Awhile back I posted a blog for the first time in a long time. I talked about why people blog. Why I blog. Every now and then I like to go back to that. Why I have a blog. Why I write. Why I don't write. It keeps me up to date.

"It took three attempts but, after hours of pacing and fidgeting, I had a good writing session. The fight was to get back into my heart."- Donald Miller

Sup everyone? I know, what a lame greeting. Somehow I always say "sup". I'm sure that's not cool anymore, if it ever was. But it's what comes. Sup. I like to pretend I have thousands and thousands of people waiting for my next blog and now I'm greeting all of you again. In reality I probably have less than three people waiting for my next blog. I'm okay with that. It doesn't change my dream of writing, and it doesn't mean 40 or 50 of you won't randomly stumble across this on social media and actually click on the link. And Sometimes, you only care what one person thinks of your blog.

It's funny how this works. I often set out to write about one thing and end up writing on another. It's my favorite part. There are no rules. Nobody is grading it. It can't be put in a box. I have a blank page to say what I need to say. To say what is burning inside of me.

"Most great art is created when the artist feels they are channeling something rather than trying to communicate something."- Donald Miller

I used to think in a well written blog the author never talked about themselves. It had to be inspirational, but generic and have the ability to "communicate" to every single person. Now I know, real people are dying to hear a story. Real people are dying to take off their masks and tell their stories. Now THAT applies to everyone.That's why I love Donald Miller so much. He talks about himself a lot in his books, but it's so raw and so open, and that's a risk. Deep down it's what we're all craving and too fearful or prideful to reveal.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

That's my goal.

I don't give a play by play of my life, like a long Facebook status update of what I had for breakfast or where I went on vacation. I don't spout off emotions in the moment I'm hurting the most. But I do try to be as open as possible and share my shortcomings and successes in whatever I happen to be blogging about. Because even if you don't want to know, someone else does.

A few weeks ago I had a chance to add to my story with one of my best friends. We had both gone through some rough times in the past year and although he was living in Florida and I in Oklahoma, we committed to being there for each other during this season we found ourselves wondering if we'd make it one more day. We prayed. We talked about Jesus. We talked about basketball.We talked about girls. During this time we became better friends than we already were. It was almost like we were on an island together. We discovered that neither of us had ever been baptized, and neither of us had really told anyone. While we had both been saved for a pretty long time, baptism just never happened for a ton of reasons. At first it was out of our control. We didn't grow up in families that would be taking pictures of us on "Baptism Sunday." But later, we weren't obedient. We shrank back. I know for me, I never wanted to be found out. I had this reputation, I had been in leadership positions in ministry. It was just another area in my life I had held onto controlling for so long.

When we're not risking, we're living in fear. So I bought a plane ticket and I flew to Florida to be baptized with one of my best friends. By my mentor. In the ocean. I'll never forget it as long as I live. My entire group of friends from Florida had no idea until that trip. For me, that was a risk. And for me there was never more joy in being found out than standing on the beach praying with all of them before I walked into the water.
 
So this is why I write, because stories aren't just inspiring or heartwarming. Stories aren't just sad or happy. Stories aren't entertaining or compelling. Sometimes it's my story, and sometimes it's someone else's. But the words don't just stay on a page or a screen. They can't. Because we've got risks to take. Someone needs permission needs permission to share their story. And sometimes, stories about Jesus, basketball, and girls change your life.

"And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death." -Revelation 12:11

Stories have the power to put a beatdown on the devil. To save lives. To buy plane tickets.

This is why I write.

More to come.

Jail and Jobin

Anyone who knows me at all knows I love love. I'm not afraid to admit I'd have no problem watching The Notebook or Pride and Prejudice without being forced to do so by a pretty girl. I've always been a hopeless romantic of sorts. So the ground I was standing on was shaken when I found out I didn't really know what love was. How ironic.

I thought I had clearly distinguished in my mind the difference between loving someone as a person and being "in love." The obvious difference is, romantic feelings and attraction don't exist with every single human. Apart from that, I'm not sure much else is different. We're commanded to "love one another as Christ loved us", and husbands and wives are commanded to love each other "as Christ loved the church"- "us" and "the church" are synonymous, because we (the people) are the church. It's the exact same command. Interesting.

In terms of romance, God gave us this window to "fall in love", which propels us into marriage. It may be physical attraction, emotional connection, similar personalities, or any number of things. But I think the command is the same because God knew what he was doing, obviously. He knew your first 6 months or year of falling couldn't last. It couldn't stay that way. Of course romance should stay alive, and I believe couples have to fight for that. But love will ALWAYS require more than romance, no matter how hard you're swept off your feet.

I heard a story recently. A story of heartbreak, destruction, and redemption. A story about a prominent youth pastor. He was married with little kids. Trusted and loved in the church and community. It turns out he had been struggling with infidelity. Except he wasn't just having an affair. He was paying for sex with male prostitutes. It's kind of hard to describe what you're feeling and the thoughts you're having right now isn't it? I was enraged when I heard the story. Now imagine what his wife must have felt, because I know you and I can't even comprehend it. This youth pastor was arrested while purchasing a male prostitute and was taken to jail. He called his parents with his one phone call and begged them to come pick him up. His parents had a standing rule since he was a teenager. If you get arrested and taken to jail, you're staying there at least 24 hours. I think that's a great life lesson. The youth pastor's dad was now charged with calling the wife and telling her why her husband wasn't coming home. The dad made the phone call and proceeded to tell the wife what had unfolded, and what his policy was on jail. The wife was silent for a short moment, and then said "Go get my husband right now." It wasn't anger. It wasn't abrasive. What it was, was determination. That wife gathered her parents, her husbands parents and her husband in the living room of their home that night. She and her husband sat in the middle of the living room while both sets of parents stared at them. She looked at her parents and said "I have forgiven him and love him, and so will you." She looked at his parents and said the very same thing.

I don't know what their road was like after that night. But I do know that the youth pastor got help. He was accepted by another church, and eventually, given another opportunity to be a youth pastor. His wife never stopped loving him, and never left his side. I also know that night she didn't say "Go get my husband." because she remembered how she felt in the first 6 months of their relationship. She didn't remember the flowers or romantic dinners or even the things he never said. She remembered Jesus, and it had nothing to do with what her husband deserved or didn't deserve, who he had been, or how bad he had failed.

You see, this is what I now know. Love isn't a response. It never will be. Whatever you respond out of, isn't love. You respond out of pleasure, passion, desire, self, emotion, fear. But not love. Love just is. It doesn't waver. It chooses to engage. Love always chooses to find a way to express itself. Regardless of what's returned. It's an invitation over and over again...and this invites the other person in. And everyone wants to be invited.

It wasn't long ago I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. Everything I thought I knew came crashing down and I was no longer sure of anything. About two months later I met someone I now consider one of my very best friends. We'll call him Jobin. What Jobin gave me was an invitation. Over and over again. He loved me right where I was at. He was present in my life and the story that had begun to unfold. I've learned a lot from Jobin in the short time we've known each other, and I'd like to think he's learned a thing or two from me. What I know about Jobin is that I get his friendship and nothing else. There are no strings attached. Nothing on the other side of the equation. That's how Jesus was. He was present. He gave invitations. And he offered Himself and nothing else.

"The bible says the only weapon any of us really has is love. But it's love like a sword without a handle and because of that, sometimes we'll get cut when we pick it up." - Bob Goff

That sounds risky, like it might even cost me a limb or two. But that's how I want to love. And that's the kind of romance and friendships I want to have. Relationships that involve completely imperfect people who refuse to give up. I don't know if it's a product of current society or if friendships and relationships have always been disposable. But we just throw them away. In the words of the great poet often known as Jay-Z..."Onnnn to the next one." In every form and fashion. In every type of relationship. On to the next one.

I don't know much, but I know that at one point or another we're all in jail like the youth pastor. And everyone thinks it's a good idea if we just stay there for a night or two or they just forget about us. But when love comes into play, the way Christ loved us and how he told us to love one another and our spouses, there's someone that says "go get my husband out of jail", "go get my friend out of jail" - because they just simply refuse to give up.

"Ryan's love was audacious. It was whimsical. It was strategic. Most of all, it was contagious. Watching Ryan lose himself in love reminded me that being "engaged" isn't just an event that happens when a guy gets on one knee and puts a ring on his true love's finger. Being engaged is a way of doing life. It 's about going to extremes and expressing the hope that life offers us, a hope that makes us brave and expels darkness." - Bob Goff

We need more wives breaking their husbands out of jail. We need more Jobin's. I want to love like them. I want to be audacious to the point it doesn't even make sense.

More to come.

Radioactive

Do you ever stop and think about what it means to be alive? That it's a miracle all by itself. Maybe that's a little nostalgic, but with the nostalgia comes perspective, and we could all use more of that.

Recently I was invited to a concert by some friends. However, the concert was on a Tuesday night. In a different city. Of course I wasn't going. I'd have to work 13 hours the next day, and I'd be exhausted from the 13 I just worked. I shrugged the invite off, but couldn't move past it over the next week. So I did the only logical thing....I went.

"Back then I'd be lying in bed or walking down a hallway at college, and the realization I was alive would startle me, as though it had come up from behind and slammed two books together. We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here."-Unknown

 How quickly we forget the Psalmist David's words...

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139 13-16 ESV

That's how we got here. You and me. With a purpose. We have always been seen by the only eyes that truly matter. There has never been a day when we haven't been known. "O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139 1-2 ESV. He knows us, when we're on our knees proclaiming our love for him. Or when we're running from him as fast and far as we can.

There I was, at the concert. In a packed arena. On the front row of seats looking out at a mob of young people in the pit just in front of me. The guys high fiving and the girls slowly shifting their dresses back and forth.Waiting with great foretaste for the sounds of the newest indie rock sensation of sorts. The first guitar was amplified, and an outcry of monumental triumph quickly followed.

I could only think, what if people worshiped Jesus that way. Not just at a Hillsong or Jesus Culture concert. That's vastly limiting the meaning of worship. I'm talking about a life of worship. Living life with that kind of anticipation of the Lord. I found myself completely unable to enjoy the moment. But as the band kept playing I was distracted by how talented they were. Every single one of them was playing multiple instruments. Even two instruments at a time. Five or Six different types of drums. Guitars. Keyboards. Gongs. Tambourines. The madness was magnificent.

"When you are born you wake slowly to everything. Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing to things saying circle and blue and car and then sex and job and health care. The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it."- Donald Miller

In that moment life became staggering again. I was suddenly aware of how incredibly talented each member of this band was, and how the noise they were making, was what we call music. God had given each of them the ability and skill set to make 15,000 people stand to their feet and scream at the top of their lungs. That's staggering. The bible tells us that God is in everything. I was marveled by God in that moment. Even if it wasn't a Phillips Craig & Dean concert.

I played baseball in undergrad and before every practice and game we would pray as a team. There was one particular guy on the team whom everyone always gave a hard time after he prayed. His prayers took forever. He would say how thankful he was for the day. The trees. The birds. Baseball. His teammates. The weather. It always made us laugh. Maybe it was overboard. But when I think about it....life must have been so incredible to him that he just couldn't overlook all these little things. He was alive and it wasn't because of a temporary happiness. The joy that he knew, was staggering.

Because that's what God does, he loves to make us marvel at his glory, if we only stop to recognize the ways that he is trying to tell us how much he loves us. When it's not just another Oklahoma sunset in our eyes. When we stand in the rain in our favorite clothes. When we have the opportunity to listen to someones story. And the chance to tell them ours. When everything falls apart and you watch God put it back together piece by piece by piece. When we give of ourselves, and unexpectedly receive. When we end up at an unexpected concert with unexpected company.

There's no explanation other than he loves us. Since before we were born. And right where we are at today. Life is staggering, don't miss it.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones...welcome to the new age.

Give it a listen. It's the jam.

More to come.

Chariots of Fire

"You just can't see the forest for the trees"

I'm not sure where that saying came from, but I love it. It's fairly simple. Undoubtedly tragic. I believe it's referring to a lack of vision, faith, and hope.

I don't normally include an entire passage of scripture in the blog, but today I can't resist. It will take an extra 2 minutes to read, you'll live, I promise. I came across this passage in 2 Kings recently, and I can't stop thinking about it:

'Once when the king of Syria was warring against Israel, he took counsel with his servants, saying, “At such and such a place shall be my camp.” 9 But the man of God sent word to the king of Israel, “Beware that you do not pass this place, for the Syrians are going down there.” 10 And the king of Israel sent to the place about which the man of God told him. Thus he used to warn him, so that he saved himself there more than once or twice.

11 And the mind of the king of Syria was greatly troubled because of this thing, and he called his servants and said to them, “Will you not show me who of us is for the king of Israel?” 12 And one of his servants said, “None, my lord, O king; but Elisha, the prophet who is in Israel, tells the king of Israel the words that you speak in your bedroom.” 13 And he said, “Go and see where he is, that I may send and seize him.” It was told him, “Behold, he is in pDothan.” 14 So he sent there horses and chariots and a great army, and they came by night and surrounded the city.

15 When the servant of the man of God rose early in the morning and went out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was all around the city. And the servant said, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” 16 He said, “Do not be afraid, qfor those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” 17 Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please ropen his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of shorses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. 18 And when the Syrians came down against him, Elisha prayed to the Lord and said, “Please strike this people with blindness.” tSo he struck them with blindness in accordance with the prayer of Elisha. 19 And Elisha said to them, “This is not the way, and this is not the city. Follow me, and I will bring you to the man whom you seek.” And he led them to Samaria. - 2 kings 6:8-23

Take a moment, slow down, and ask yourself...."what is it I'm not seeing?" Usually when you can't see the forest for the trees, you're the last one to know you're even in a forest.

One thing we don't get insight into is how the servant ended up at this place in his story. Because we all have a story. I don't know for sure, but I'd assume he's a believer, so I wonder why he's lost his vision. He's Elisha's right hand man. I wish I could know the servant's story in more detail. Something in this servant's story led him to this particular place, with these particular thoughts, and this particular lens. And it didn't happen because of this one event.

"I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God." - Donald Miller

Somewhere along the road in each of our stories we lose heart. We get lulled to sleep. It seems as though life has just come to a stand still. You find yourself in a job that isn't going anywhere. You do the same thing, at the same time, every single day. Your kids exhaust you. Your marriage has long since been intimate. You are worrying about finances, again. You're bored because the kids are grown.Volunteering at church becomes just another habit. You experience great tragedy.

Have you ever been in that place? Where all you see are your specific circumstances and you're asking those close to you, as the servant did "“Alas, my master! What shall we do?”  The servant lost hope. His circumstances began to cave in on him like a title wave. A title wave of warriors about to bring the pain.We all lose hope. We fall into disbelief and give up.

"It is from this place of heart resignation where many of us, perhaps all of us at one time or another, having suffered under the storm of life’s Arrows, give up on hope. But our heart will not totally forsake the intimacy and adventure we were made for and so we compromise. We both become, and take to ourselves, lovers that are less dangerous in their passion for life and the possible pain that comes with it—in short, lovers that are less wild." - John Eldredge

Elisha clearly thought it was important that his right hand man SEE what was actually taking place. It would have been easy to just dismiss his servant, to tell him how little faith he has. Write him off because he can't see the forest. But Elisha Prays. He prays that the God would open the eyes of his servants heart, because this is where our hope comes from. I love this passage because I've been the servant. I've lost hope. I've lost faith. I've lost vision. I've walked through life doing whatever it takes to get through the day because my circumstances aren't how I imagined them. I believed it was easier to just exist. And it has cost me greatly.

 Maybe you're the servant and you don't even know you can't see. Maybe you're Elisha and you need to fall on your face every single day and pray that someone's eyes will be opened to the Chariots of Fire that are just over the hills. I don't know what makes you come alive, but I do know that at our core, we were created to come alive in a billion and one ways. We were created to dream, and we were created to see things the way God sees them.

"Someone or something has romanced us from the beginning with creekside singers and pastel sunsets, with the austere majesty of snowcapped mountains and the poignant flames of autumn colors telling us of something—or someone—leaving, with a promise to return. These things can, in an unguarded moment, bring us to our knees with longing for this something or someone who is lost; someone or something only our heart recognizes. It is as if someone has left us with a haunting in our inner-heart stories that will not go away; nor will it allow itself to be captured and ordered." - Unknown

That someone is Jesus.

“But he who would be born again indeed, must wake his soul unnumbered times a day, and urge himself to LIFE with holy greed"- George MacDonald

We have to do whatever it takes to not lose sight, to awaken our souls....we have to shake our heads a hundred times a day, like we're driving the night shift and trying not to drift off into a deep sleep...

Do something wild. More to come.

Listen and Know.

"You don't know what you don't know"- profound, right? Maybe there's some truth to it.

I think we all desire to be in the know, and it's a continual growth process to become content to know the One who does know- Jesus, if you weren't catching on. The reality is we don't get to know everything. And we certainly don't get to control ANYTHING, as much as we try to manipulate our circumstances and make believe we do. Really we just try and make ourselves as comfortable as possible in the circumstances in which we find ourselves. I don't think God ever intended on controlling us with a remote, however. So every decision shouldn't require an answer in a burning bush before we move. Of course, there are decisions in our lives that are incredibly important to us, and I do believe God cares greatly for those things. We often pray tirelessly over these decisions and circumstances, and still don't get the writing in the sky. Sometimes you don't have a clear cut answer and you just have to make the decision to dive in, trusting that the Lord will guide you as you go.

But do you ever just know? I mean really know. You can't explain it. You can't get away from it. Have you ever known something like that? It's so deep in your bones that no matter how many times you try to ignore it, it just calls you back. It doesn't come to you in a burning bush as God spoke to Moses. God doesn't send a blinding light and part the heavens as he did for Saul. I personally believe God still works this way all over the world, even if I haven't experienced it. More often than not, though, it's the Holy Spirit speaking in what is described as a "still small voice."

"The real Voice is stiller and smaller and seems to know, without confusion, the difference between right and wrong and the subtle delineation between the beautiful and profane. It's not an agitated Voice, but ever patient as though it approves a million false starts. The Voice I am talking about is a deep water of calming wisdom that says, hold your tongue; don't talk about that person that way; forgive the friend you haven't talked to; don't look at that woman as a possession; I want to show you the sunset; look and see how short life is and how your troubles are not worth worrying about; buy that bottle of wine and call your friend and see if he can get together, because, remember, he was supposed to have that conversation with his daughter, and you should ask him about it."- Unknown

I've been in Oklahoma City for about six months now. I remember making half hearted attempts to find a church in my first few months, but that's for another blog, I think. I've since found a church. Before I ever went to this church, I had lunch with the pastor, whom I had gotten in contact with through a mutual friend. We had a good conversation and he encouraged me to give his church a shot. Do you ever let your mind wander and imagine what something is going to be like before you actually experience it? It's usually one extreme or the other....this experience will be perfect in every way, or this experience is going to be miserable. Either way, we're usually wrong. As I walked into this church on my first Sunday it wasn't anything like I imagined. I imagined perfection. My immediate thought was, "I'm not coming back." However, about halfway through the second song of worship I let my defenses down. I stopped being critical. I stopped being judgmental. I just listened. And I experienced the undeniable presence of Jesus in the room that day. The service was great and afterwards I just sat there as the band continued to play. Everyone was filtering out and chattering about lunch plans. I didn't move. I just stared. I was thinking of a million reasons to not come back. To find a church that was a "better fit" for me and my preferences. I was rationalizing it all in my head, it made sense. The only thing that didn't make sense was that I knew deep inside, without a shadow of a doubt, I was supposed to be at that church.

So many things and people try to speak into our lives. It's dangerous. It's so easy to get tossed around like a leaf in the wind. Don't get me wrong, I think God can and does speak to us in ways that are not limited by our understanding- This includes through other people. However, do we just take this at face value? It's hard to get an objective opinion from a person based on what God is saying. People base opinions on previous personal experiences, hurts, emotions, and any number of other things no matter how much they love Jesus. I don't mean to discount the wisdom and knowledge of those that love us and have more experiences than us. However, I've been incredibly challenged the past few months to ask myself, what does Jesus say? Does everything that man is saying line up with the Word and what Jesus is telling me?

Then there's the enemy, yeah, the devil. I think it's easy for most people to acknowledge God. People want God to work in their lives and circumstances. But how often do we acknowledge that the devil is at work also. Some of you are thinking, oh no, he's getting weird on us...and I don't really care. It's the Truth. God isn't the only one with a plan people. We have to wake up. The bible says the devil comes to steal, kill, and destory, to devour us. To thwart every plan God ever had for our lives. I don't mean we should turn all our attention to the enemy, but if we don't acknowledge him, how can we even begin to understand how he's trying to manipulate every aspect of our lives. I don't think we believe it. I mean really believe it. We would live differently. Myself included. I don't mean we'd be without sin, but I think we'd wake up every single day aware of what is at stake.

We don't get to know everything, so the question isn't, what do you want to know? The question is, what do you know, what has God burned into your heart, and who is speaking into your life about it? Whose opinion carries the greatest weight? Maybe you're seeing what you know play out before your eyes; there is no better feeling on  this Earth. Maybe you just discovered what you know last week and you've spent every night since tossing and turning out of excitement, or fear. Maybe you lost sight of what you know, and you don't even know it. Maybe you know, but you've been knowing, and you're starting to lose heart. Maybe you know and you're trying your hardest to tell God you don't want to know anymore. Maybe you don't even know what I'm talking about...and in that case, I pray that you'd know what it feels like to just know.

Because when you know, nothing can change your mind or convince you otherwise. Something inside just bursts into flames.

"I'll never second guess the little voice I heard, it's just a whisper...but it sounded like a scream...I ain't never felt so free." - Needtobreathe

You start preaching to an audience of corn stalks because no human cares what you have to say yet. You move from Cincinnati to Oklahoma City because you believe in a preacher that would preach to corn stalks. You go on the missions trip. You give more money than you can afford to give. You move across the country for the girl. You start the organization. You make the call. You ask for forgiveness. It doesn't just happen over night, and it rarely goes according to plan. It doesn't quite look like we imagined. It's like dancing in a minefield. And the time will come when we're tired of knowing, we're tired of listening because it doesn't look the way we thought it should. What we know isn't coming to pass. But don't lose heart. "The Lord is not slow to fulfiill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." 2 Peter 3:9.

If people never think we're crazy. If our decisions always make sense to the world based on our circumstances. If we're always going when people think we should go, or staying when they think we should stay. If we're always comfortable and never at risk. If we don't know what it feels like to do something completely out of the know. Then I'd dare to say we probably don't know Jesus very well, or we just aren't listening to what He says.

Let us desire to listen with everything in our being. More to come.

Whimsy

I'll get to the substance of this blog, but I must first start with a question-Why blog? It's something I was inspired to start quite awhile ago, by someone who was very close to me, but then I was quickly uninspired as the days and weeks rolled by and I got more in touch with reality (at least the reality that we're often lulled into). It's funny how many things in our life are like this. Often times we live a life of New Year's resolutions without even realizing it, unless it's New Year's and then we make a joke about how quickly we'll depart from our resolutions....and then we still make our resolutions.

Recently I heard a pastor talking about a man and woman he married. He was telling us how this couple did something at their wedding he had never seen- In front of all their friends and family they put a few items into a box they had made together: a bottle of wine, two glasses, and a letter each had written. Their letters weren't to each other, though. The letter was written to themselves, from themselves.. The couple called it their "Why Box." On their wedding day this couple promised that if (really when) things got so incredibly hard and they wanted to quit, when they wanted out, they would sit down together, open the bottle of wine and each read the letter they had written themselves. Their letters proclaimed all the reasons they were marrying that person. All the things they desired. All their dreams. What they believed to be the foundation of their marriage. The vision.

This got me thinking. What am I writing down? Is this just another day? Another month? Another year? Why even write? People start writing for many reasons. They want to remember things. They want to lose themselves in another world. They want to create their own world. They want to inspire others. They want to inspire themselves. Really, there could be a million different reasons. I think writing is a lot like a missions trip. Somehow God orchestrates it in perfect fashion- You might have a genuine desire to serve and love others, and even pour all your love out, but you leave the missions field with more love than when you started.

What is your favorite book? Why is that your favorite book? Have you ever thought about what the writer was experiencing as they were writing it? I don't mean thinking about the experiences they are writing about, but the experiences they are having while writing about those experiences. What caused them to put words on a page? Now that's a story in itself. Because there's an end product, but what got them to that point?

When I first started this blog over a year ago someone close to me asked me why I didn't post it on Facebook or other social media. I guess that gets us into the substance of this blog. Fear. That's why I didn't post it on social media. Fear that people will know too much about me and my faith. Oddly enough "Completely Fearless" is in the title of this Blog. People won't read it. People will read it. People will comment or criticise. It will be insignificant. People who have seen me sin might question what I'm saying, what I'm talking about, more importantly, they might question God. Because putting words on a page for people to read changes everything...it gives them an opportunity, and I have no control over what they do with that opportunity.

I was halfway done with this blog when I took a break to go workout with a friend. Somehow the subject of fear came up. He didn't know I was writing a blog about fear, though. I told him I started reading another book today, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". I was telling him a little bit about the book, and in between sets I asked him what fears he has? He looked at me and said, "I can't think of any." I'll be honest, for a second I looked ahead and thought maybe not everyone has fears like I do. I did another set. When I finished that set my friend said "I'm scared of heights, that's it, I'm scared of heights...roller coasters." I just looked at him and kind of laughed a little.

Then I gave him a small example to try and help orient him- what if a bunch of guys you don't know that well are talking about going on a camping trip and you can tell from the conversation they are all experienced campers. You play along, even pretend you want to go, but really you don't know the first thing about camping. They all know how to start a fire, and you don't. I told him I would probably be fearful that I'd be found out, that I really have no idea how to start a fire. My friend just looked at me. I went to put my weights up. When I came back my friend said he used to have a fear of going to the gym. I did another set, and then his fears just began to spill out....until we were talking about when he was in middle school...when he first developed his fear. For a moment I think he was that middle school boy again, he described it with accuracy and emotion, like he were experiencing it for the first time.

Maybe he knew all along he still had that fear. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he pushed it down. Maybe he just didn't want to admit it to himself...or me, because then he would be known. And being known is a scary thing.

In "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" Donald Miller talks about fear a lot, he says:

"The most often repeated commandment in the Bible is 'Do Not Fear', it's in there over 200 times. That means a couple of things, if you think about it, it means we are going to be afraid, and it means we shouldn't let fear boss us around. Before I realized we were supposed to fight fear, I thought of fear as a subtle suggestion in our subconscious designed to keep us safe, or more important, keep us from getting humiliated. And I guess it serves that purpose. But fear isn't only a guide to keep us safe; it's also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life...the great stories go to those who don't give into fear."

In 2 Timothy 1:7 we're told that "God has not given us a spirit of fear." Take note, we aren't told that God hasn't given us a "flesh" of fear, or an "emotion" of fear. It says a spirit. Just as Donald Miller says, we're going to be afraid. It's going to happen. But as the verse is 2 Timothy goes on we are told we've been given a spirit of "power", "love", and a "sound mind." I'm not a theologian, but to me it seems like we're being told we have the same spirit in us that rose Jesus from the dead. Okay so maybe I just think that because we are told this very thing in scripture (Romans 8:11).

I have to believe "Do Not Fear" is the most repeated commandment in the bible because it is so crippling to the rest of our lives. It's like a ripple effect. Our fear holds us back more than anything else. It shapes our stories. I think about all the great companies and inventions and can only wonder how many companies were never started and inventions never invented because of fear. I think about how many things in relationships and families are never said because of fear. How many ideas don't come to pass. How many friendships don't make it.

Myself? I fear that I won't be a good husband or father when the time comes. I fear that I don't have what it takes to be an attorney. I fear that it will be found out that I've only shot a gun a handful of times, been fishing twice, and have never been camping in the middle of nowhere. I fear that I'll never be able to start the organization I've always dreamed of, that nobody will listen to me even if I do, or I won't have the money to keep it going. I don't know what you fear, but I know that we all have a choice.

"I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. But they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees behind them are getting smaller and none of the trees ahead are getting bigger. They take it out on their spouse, and they go looking for an easier story." - Donald Miller

What kind of story is unfolding before us? And what place does fear have in it? What will our stories look like if we ENGAGE with JESUS and take hold of the POWER, LOVE, and SOUND MIND that is promised to us? Because that is when the Kingdom advances, ideas come to fruition, and the world begins to change. Oh there will be resistance, there always is. What kind of story has no resistance? Not a very good one I've learned. In fact, I'm not sure I'd want a story without resistance. I think about my college baseball experience. The first two years were awful. I wanted to quit daily. I'm not sure why I didn't, even to this day. I probably played nine innings in 2 years.  But I know that when I finally earned a starting spot at shortstop my junior year I cherished it every single day. I wasn't a freshman phenom that was starting on day one. I wasn't even given a chance. It took two full years of running, lifting, sweating, bleeding, blisters, putting my face in front of a baseball when nobody else would, to convince every coach and player that I should be on the field. It was a risk, because what if I did all of that and I still wasn't good enough? But I know when I finally got that starting spot, it was more meaningful because of the resistance.

I don't know what you fear. Maybe it's if you will ever get your dream job, a job at all, or be good enough at the one you have. Maybe it's an insecurity, like your weight, height, or intelligence. The list could go on and on. But I do know that we weren't meant to live in it.

So do something about it. Just do something. Jump into the story. Jump into the fear. For me, today was about posting this blog and writing down what I fear. Tomorrow is about my first hearing on my own as an attorney, without a partner at the firm to look to, with a lot of money on the line. I don't know what it will be the day after that. But I do know that if I can't jump into the story each day has, the trees will never get bigger or smaller. I'll just be stagnant. And my dreams, well they'd certainly never be more than an idea, or a conversation with a friend.

"Whimsy- It's that nagging idea that life could be magical; it could be special if we were only willing to take a few risks..."- Bob

Take a risk people. More to come.

Straight to the Heart- I hope you have a minute, or twelve.

What is this thing called a man? What or who comes to mind? I suppose that depends on where you come from, how you grew up, and the men that were present in your life. Some had great dads, some didn't have dads and some had dads that were there physically...but at the same time, nowhere to be found. What kind of men are prevelant in this society, nation, and world we live in? What kind of men are we? Who are we becoming? What or who is molding us into the men we're going to be?

Lust. Pride. Selfishness. Jealousy. Alcohol. Pornography. Greed. - Not just addictions in this world, addictions that creep into the heart and mind of a man and slowly break him down while the world not only says it's okay....they push for it, publicize it, and praise it. The daily battle never ends. The struggle is constant, and the failures consistent. Our inequities continue to pile up and it gets easier day after day to go into hiding, to live in the darkness, in the sin. It's a journey, a process, a series of trials and triumphs that  take the heart of a man and change it from a man of this world, into a man of God.  From the time we were young enough to comprehend, we were tought that we are to be Christ like, because afterall Jesus was the perfect man. An example so great should only be encouraging, right? It certainly is what we are called to strive for, all the characteristics we are to embrace and embody. But the constant failures are overwhelming, and the devil uses them to try and hold us back from becoming the men that God has called us to be...

 " If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." 1 John 1:8-10

The fall took place, sin is innevitable, it's not going to end but we have to be willing to receive grace. How can this possibly be reconciled with the call to be a man of God, how do we move forward from the constant setbacks. The answer isn't found in another self help book, or why we gave in again. The answer is found in the word, and in the heart of a man.

After Saul is going to be removed as King of Israel, Samuel tells him that now " the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his own people.." 1 Sameul 13: 13-14

God then makes known "I have found David, son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.". Acts 13:22 

God doesn't say that he has found the perfect, sinless or blameless man. God picks David because of the heart he has, a heart that is willing and for the Lord.  He doesn't say that David will never sin again, because if you take a closer look at David, it gets messy. The man after God's own heart, the man that God knows has a heart capable of leading a kingdom in a way that is going to honor him....that same man falls into lust. The same man that slayed Goliath because he trusted in the Lord with every ounce of his being, this same man saw a beautiful woman across the way bathing...and gave into temptation....he was an adulter. He was a murderer of Bathsheba's husband. (2 Samuel 11).  The sin and lies began to pile up, but when I read closely the story of David, it resembles every man. Maybe we don't all murder or commit adultery, but we lust, we are prideful.... we get ourselves into messy situations and cause a lot of hurt for other people. After everything that David got himself into, we see his heart, we see him pleading with the God....

Have mercy on me, O God,
   according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
   blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
   and cleanse me from my sin.

  For I know my transgressions,
   and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
   and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
   and justified when you judge.
⁵Surely I was sinful at birth,
   sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
   you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

  Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
   wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
   let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
   and blot out all my iniquity.

  Create in me a pure heart, O God,
   and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence
   or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
   and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

  Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
   so that sinners will turn back to you.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
   you who are God my Savior,
   and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
Open my lips, Lord,
   and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
   you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
   a broken and contrite heart
   you, God, will not despise.

Psalm 51

There is encouragement in this story to last a lifetime, to show that developing into a man of God isn't about being flawless, it's about making your heart sensitive to the Lord. The ways that David sinned, and the complete mess that he made never defined him; Nor will our sins ever define us. They might put us through a fire, but with every fire we become purified and gain more wisdom. I think being a man often means doing things that you don't necessarily want to. The tests and opportunities are daily, to bring heaven or hell to Earth. Maybe being a man of God looks like spending your off day, giving up your time,  to put a  new roof on your future son in laws new home. Maybe it looks like being a newlywed at 21 and having to move to a different state, take care of your sick mother in law, your sister in law, brother in law, and new wife with a baby boy on the way. Or it could be telling your family that they are going to get up and walk to the front of the church and pray for the new year, praying for each one of your kids and your wife, proclaiming that they are going to experience God in their lives like never before and letting a family friend know that you love him and are Dad to him. I know that it's all of these.

When we line our hearts up with the Lord, no matter how bad we screw up, we make ourselves willing to be shaped into the men that God has called us to be.

"You will find me says the Lord, when you seek me with all of your heart."

 Jeremiah 29: 13